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Sunday, July 24, 2011

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and that it fell apart I might not make it. It's easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it, what if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It can go on forever."
I've been a fan of Grey's Anatomy since I can remember. I love the drama, the cases that always tie into the trials and tribulations of being the elite surgeons at SGH and the soundtrack and the romances and the adorably hunky men and the fiercely independent messed up women protagonists that make me look sooo normal.
This quote was how season 7 ended. Season 7 is a game changer. Will MerDer make it? They must. Right? This show wouldn't be what it is without the drama that their romance has brought to it. You root for the messed up girl and her perfect knight in shining armor who 'believed in true love' and waited for her. Lord he waited. He put up with some crazy ass stuff to be with her. Including a Post-It wedding. Whatever that is. Glad that fad didnt catch on. But the point is, after all that romance, after having spent 7 seasons convincing us that they truly are meant to be together, they send you this curve ball that just leaves an ache in you. Why? Because, all of a sudden, in that moment, you realize just how true those words are. Yes they're waaaay more dramatic than anything any real person would say considering that line was written by professional writers on one of TVs most acclaimed dramas, but still. You get the gist.
Its all about making yourself vulnerable in the end. Putting yourself out there demanding what is your due. How much are you willing to trade off there? Vulnerability? Dignity? Pride? Self Preservation? I guess Vulnerability and Self Preservation are the main big trade offs. Meredith put herself out there, finally got married and then the entire marriage crumbled all round her. Derek waited years to be with her, start a family, feel whole at last and just as it all seems within reach, he's left to sleep alone on a wooden plank up on a mountain somewhere within the bare walls of his dreams, of what could have been. Not cool.
I want to believe in my own McDreamy, hanging around on a British estate somewhere, talking to his butler about whatever it is that Marquis' discuss with their butlers but its scary because if even TV drama Patrick Dempseys can't resolve the trade off, what hope do we normal mortals have?
Stupid GA. Every time you make me believe, you also manage to find an Achilles Heel for me to cry about don't you? 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Project Summer

Summers on campus are a time of much leisure and relaxation, the time to take on projects like knitting or cooking or become a project oneself. My friend of hued childhood years has adopted me and I too have adopted myself as a project to work on these halcyonic summer days that approach me. I will learn to cook. And no I don’t mean gourmet cooking. I mean scrambled eggs and tossed vegetables and pasta and other basic fare that will allow me to survive one day in the fast approaching future. I make no pretensions at my talents in the kitchen. They will never be anything but passable but I will not be daunted by the knives and the fires and the smells and the constant need to keep clean and dry. I however, will not kow tow to the kitchen gods. Nope. Not happening. I am of that strain of independent liberated women that feels no shame in knowing that most of the men in her life are more domesticated than her. So? They are coming into their own strengths, much like I am with my own.
Strengths I hear you mock? Why yes. I believe I may cultivate some talents this summer. Knitting is the first such challenge. I’ve put it off far too long. I learnt finger knitting off a youtube video even one summer but actual knitting? Purl, weave, blah? I got it. Knitting’s got nothing on me. Armed with a book, knitting needles and yarn, I got this. I will return this world to the yester years when it was perfectly acceptable for a respected woman to take refuge in her knitting in awkward social situations or discuss knitting patterns to break the ice. Knitting is a beautiful art, with history and culture and the mellowness of all that was beautiful about gently faded old women on porch chairs, knitting their years away. And the feeling of seeing something being constructed, of something taking shape from within all those threads and clashing needles is thrilling. I’ve known the joy of bringing colour and grace to a hitherto bland piece of cloth but to make the cloth now? To make the base itself? Oh lordy. This is going to be fun J
Hmmm… other mundane tasks – learn how to drive. More importantly, get the damn license already. Enough dilly dallying now. Grow up, get behind the wheel and stop wimping out at 40 mph. That’s just lame sauce, Ducky.
Prep for the GREs. Sorta important. Need to get educated, remember? Do your research as well. Figure out where you could go. Funsies!
I am my own project this summer. I’m taking it by the horns and telling it to back the hell down. Summer will not make me over think my life. It’s dark and scary in my mind and I tend to not like hanging out in there. So I won’t. I will learn and fill my brain with useless trivia about knitting and cooking and boxes and television and germs and the marines. Reading lists, challenges, tasks, talents, wish lists and leisure, they mingle in my head already, merge into an intangible, incoherent mess which I will sort into neat little piles by the end of the summer. Project Me Starts Today. Yikes!